I awoke one morning with one of those sudden revelations that you wish you could forego. A few days before, my wife and I had seen the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire". Along with the others in the theater, we had laughed and cried and enjoyed the picture in every way. Yet, suddenly I realized that Mrs. Doubtfire was really sick.
How did I miss that? Was it because, as a male, I think of this sickness as one that infects mothers and never fathers? Such is the perversity of the black widow spider syndrome.
You see, there is a sickness in our society that is not caused by the bite of the black widow, but rather, emulates the black widow spider.
The black widow is not unique among spiders, just because when she becomes pregnant she, like all spiders, devours her mate. It is a term that I have coined for the sickness in our society that is destroying marriages before they begin.
If the parents do not find love in each other, they will often reach down to get love from the child. The child, however, is in no position to refuse the parent's demand to be loved in return. Parental love is intended to be a "One Way Street", that is, the child should not return his or her parent's love in order to satisfy the parent's needs, but rather pass it on to his or her offspring.
If the parents, on the other hand, succeed in receiving love from each other they will not need the child's love and the child, when it is grown, will then be free to give and receive love from his or her partner. The child is thus free from the guilt that is often felt when the child believes that his or her love should go to the parents, not to the partner.
Some adults will even admit that they marry to get "someone who will love me", meaning an offspring, not the mate. Parents will reinforce this concept by saying, "You can have many partners, but only one parent."
Growing up supplying love to a parent, the child does not expect the partner to continue to love them. Many males must almost go through "Divorce" from "Mommy" in order to be free to marry. Many females can never marry because that would deprive a parent of her needed love.
After the child or children are born, the "Black Widow", (which can be either the father or the mother) will begin the process of "devouring" or causing the mate to "disappear". The partner may become a workaholic, or an alcoholic, or even become too involved in church activities. The point is that the "Black Widow Parent" and child can then function well without the other parent. When distancing is accomplished, they will find a "Comfort Zone" that enables them to no longer feel comfort in intimacy.
The "Black Widows" will always feel that they are the offended one. They will often seek help for their partner, insisting that the partner take a more active role in the marriage. Should the partner try, the "Black Widow" will immediately take back the position that she believes she wants the partner to take. (I used she/her to coincide with Black Widow. It can, of course be either gender.)
When Moses wrote that the sins of the parents are visited on the children, he did not mean the punishment, but rather, the repetition of the parents flaws. This is due mostly to the fact that we only learn parenting from our own parents.
In the story of Isaac and Rebecca, when they no longer shared intimacy, they focused each on of the twins. Jacob, at 40 years of age, must side with his mother against his father. Jacob then marries Rachel, who is like his mother. When she dies, he does not find comfort in Leah, his wife, but in Benjamin, his son, and thus the Black Widow Syndrome continues!
So, what is one to do with this knowledge?
First, change your attitude toward your own parents. Is your relationship with them one of love or guilt? To find out, ask yours if you use "should" for "want". Should indicates a motivation caused by guilt. Remember, you cannot supply your parents with the love they lack.
Second, expect love from your partner. Should he or she begin to find a "Comfort Zone" that excludes the other, they should raise the issue. If necessary, seek marital counseling.
Third, allow the child to be a child. Never make him or her responsible for any adult's happiness. Do not tell the child, "You make me happy." or "You make me sad." The adult is responsible for his or her own happiness or sadness.
Fourth, enjoy your own child's childhood. Even if you had none of your own. Joining your child in his or her childhood could recapture your own. Do not always buy toys that are educational.
Fifth, stop trying to make God happy and just enjoy His love for you.
Using the above choices, we can stop the "Black Widow Syndrome" in our own lives and hopefully in our children's lives as well.
